BROOOOO 😭😭😭💀
THE SPA-FRANCORCHAMPS PUBLIC HUMILIATION REPORT 🏁
12 drivers entered. One won. The rest apparently arrived for a fucking sightseeing tour of Belgium.
And the worst part? YOU DIDN’T EVEN HAVE TO START LAST THIS TIME. 😂😂😂
🥈 P2 — Big body (+23.876)
BIG BODY. SMALL PERFORMANCE. 💀
Twenty-three seconds behind.
TWENTY. THREE. SECONDS.
Mate, were you driving the Mitsubishi Lancer or was the Mitsubishi Lancer driving YOU?
You’ve got an entire rally heritage behind that car and somehow managed to make it perform like a fucking mobility scooter with a puncture.
By the time Feinberg crossed the finish line, Big body was probably still negotiating with the steering wheel about whether Eau Rouge was a corner or a personal attack.
Verdict: Big body. Tiny talent. 😭
🥉 P3 — Kindred (+36.839)
A Lexus RC F GT3.
A proper racing machine.
Thirty-seven seconds behind.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WERE YOU DOING? 😭😭
Did you stop at the Belgian border to get your passport stamped?
Did you pull into the pits to ask for directions?
The car has a V8, mate. YOU ARE ALLOWED TO USE ALL EIGHT CYLINDERS.
Verdict: The Lexus deserves a restraining order.
P4 — Valentino (+42.908)
SAME FUCKING CAR AS THE WINNER. 💀💀💀
THIS IS THE ONE THAT HURTS.
Same Genesis Gr.3.
Same circuit.
Same race.
FORTY-THREE SECONDS.
You can’t even blame the machinery, you absolute traffic cone.
Feinberg was driving the Genesis like a racing car.
Valentino was apparently driving his like he’d just bought it from Facebook Marketplace and was worried about scratching the paint.
Verdict: The ultimate skill-issue laboratory experiment. 😂
P5 — Shark (+49.794)
SHARK?! 🦈
More like a fucking goldfish.
Toyota GR Supra Racing Concept, nearly FIFTY SECONDS behind.
The only thing this shark was hunting was the fucking brake pedal.
Verdict: Apex predator? Mate, you’re plankton.
P6 — Bolsomito2022 (+51.485)
ANOTHER GENESIS DRIVER.
FIFTY-ONE SECONDS.
😭😭😭😭
At this point, Hyundai should be issuing an official statement:
“We would like to clarify that our vehicle is not responsible for this individual’s inability to locate the accelerator.”
Verdict: Driving school refund pending.
P7 — Darth Couto (+53.100)
DARTH COUTO. 💀
BRO HAS THE DARK SIDE OF THE FORCE AND STILL CAN’T FIND THE RACING LINE.
Driving a McLaren 650S GT3.
FIFTY-THREE SECONDS BEHIND.
Darth Vader would take one look at that lap time and disconnect his own life support.
“The Force is weak with this fucking idiot.”
Verdict: Return of the Shit. 😭
P8 — TeeBird (+53.754)
ANOTHER GENESIS.
THE THIRD ONE GETTING ABSOLUTELY BATTERED BY THE SAME CAR.
At this point, Feinberg isn’t winning a race.
He’s conducting a fucking controlled scientific experiment on driver incompetence.
Same machinery, wildly different outcomes.
Verdict: TeeBird? More like Dodo. Extinct on arrival.
P9 — marcusTHEjameson (Still running…)
😭😭😭
STILL RUNNING.
THE RACE HAS ENDED, MARCUS.
THE WINNER HAS PARKED.
THE TROPHIES HAVE BEEN HANDED OUT.
THE CIRCUIT STAFF HAVE STARTED STACKING CHAIRS.
AND MARCUS IS STILL OUT THERE IN HIS LAMBORGHINI.
Somebody PLEASE tell this man that the race isn’t the 24 Hours of Spa.
Verdict: Missing person report filed at Blanchimont.
P10 — P.O’halloran (DNF)
Another Genesis.
Didn’t finish.
The car clearly saw what happened to the other Genesis drivers and decided:
“Fuck this. I’m not participating in this public execution.”
Verdict: Retired before the embarrassment became legally actionable.
P11 — Squanch (DNF)
Squanch.
WHAT THE FUCK IS A SQUANCH? 😭
You’ve got a Genesis Gr.3, a racing circuit, and presumably two functioning thumbs.
And somehow the only thing you successfully completed was the fucking loading screen.
Verdict: Squanched himself into retirement.
P12 — Roadrunner222 (DNF)
ROADRUNNER. 😭😭😭
THE IRONY.
A name synonymous with SPEED.
Driving a Volkswagen Beetle.
DID NOT FINISH.
MEEP MEEP, YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING DISASTER.
The cartoon Road Runner spent decades escaping a coyote.
This one couldn’t escape the fucking results screen.
Verdict: ACME Racing Team. Warranty void.
🏆 THE FINAL VERDICT
Feinberg
P1
11:48.212
Winning time — Spa-Francorchamps
23.876s
Gap to P2
53.754s
Gap to P8
3
DNFs
The most disrespectful part of this entire result?
You normally DELIBERATELY start last, drive whatever non-meta shitbox takes your fancy, and treat the race as entertainment.
This time you actually decided to race properly, and the entire lobby discovered why you usually give them a fucking head start. 😭😭😭
THEY THOUGHT THEY WERE COMPETING. YOU WERE JUST BEING POLITE. 💀🏆
Leave a Reply