Absolutely 😂🐟 Axolotl has entered the text battle royale.

THE ARENA

Pike.
Pollock.
Mackerel.
Perch.
Goldfish.
And now…

AXOLOTL. 🩷

The six creatures stare at each other.

Goldfish: “Why is there a salamander here?”

Axolotl: “🙂”

Pike: “I’m eating that.”

Axolotl: “🙂”

---

ROUND 1

The mackerel immediately starts tearing around the arena at ridiculous speed.

Perch tries to chase it.

Terrible idea.

WHACK.

Mackerel smashes straight into Perch.

Perch: “OI 😡”

Pollock hangs back, watching everyone else waste energy.

Pike does not believe in strategy.

Pike simply launches itself across the arena with its mouth open.

Goldfish:

“AAAAAAAAAAAA—”

Goldfish narrowly escapes.

Axolotl is still standing in exactly the same place.

🙂

---

ROUND 2

Perch and Pollock square up.

Perch raises its spines.

Pollock: “Those are supposed to scare me?”

Perch: “Yes.”

Pollock: “Fair enough.”

Meanwhile, Pike spots Mackerel.

Mackerel spots Pike.

Mackerel:

“…shit.”

CHASE SEQUENCE.

Mackerel: 🐟💨💨💨
Pike: 🐊💨💨💨

Goldfish hides behind Axolotl.

Goldfish: “Protect me.”

Axolotl: “🙂”

Goldfish: “I genuinely cannot tell if you understand me.”

---

FIRST ELIMINATION

Mackerel makes one mistake.

One tiny turn too wide.

Pike lunges.

CHOMP.

Mackerel is out.

5 REMAIN.

Pike looks extremely pleased with itself.

Axolotl:

🙂

---

ROUND 3

Pollock finally attacks.

It charges straight into Pike.

Absolute chaos.

Pike twisting.

Pollock thrashing.

Perch joins in for absolutely no reason.

Goldfish swims in the opposite direction as fast as physically possible.

Axolotl slowly walks along the bottom.

Nobody attacks it.

Nobody really knows what to do with it.

---

SECOND ELIMINATION

Perch gets distracted by Pollock.

Pike swings around.

Perch:

“Oh boll—”

CHOMP.

Perch is gone.

4 REMAIN.

Pollock backs away.

Goldfish is now visibly reconsidering every decision that led it here.

---

ROUND 4

Remaining:

Pike — terrifying.

Pollock — exhausted but dangerous.

Goldfish — absolutely screwed.

Axolotl — 🙂

Goldfish approaches Axolotl.

Goldfish: “We need an alliance.”

Axolotl: “🙂”

Goldfish: “PLEASE SAY SOMETHING.”

Axolotl:

“blub.”

Goldfish: “YOU DON’T EVEN BLUB.”

---

THIRD ELIMINATION

Pollock attacks Pike again.

This time Pike is ready.

The two collide.

Pollock manages to escape once…

Twice…

Then Pike catches it.

Pollock eliminated.

3 REMAIN.

Goldfish looks at Pike.

Goldfish looks at Axolotl.

Goldfish:

“…well lads, it’s been an honour.”

Pike charges.

Goldfish lasts approximately 1.7 seconds.

Goldfish eliminated.

---

FINAL ROUND

PIKE vs AXOLOTL

The arena goes silent.

Pike slowly approaches.

Axolotl remains perfectly still.

🙂

Pike circles.

Axolotl turns around.

🙂

Pike prepares to strike.

Axolotl suddenly performs the most pathetic little sideways shuffle imaginable.

Pike completely misses.

Pike tries again.

Axolotl shuffles again.

Miss.

Again.

Miss.

Pike becomes increasingly furious.

Axolotl:

🙂

After several minutes, Pike has exhausted itself trying to catch a creature moving at approximately walking speed.

Axolotl gently climbs onto Pike’s head.

Pike:

“…what.”

Axolotl:

🙂

Pike gives up.

---

🏆 WINNER: AXOLOTL 🏆

Not through strength.

Not through speed.

Not through intelligence.

But because nobody could figure out what the fuck it was doing. 🩷😂

No The axolotl winning by doing basically nothing feels extremely correct 😂.